finally news

The Lady has chosen another couple. I am informed she liked our profile a lot, but was "unable" to choose us. (?) Heaven help her, it can't be easy.

I did have a bit of a cry last evening when I got the email, a deliberate attempt to process The Feelings head-on. I lay there clutching the kitty as she purred steadily in my arms, the little dear. And when the JB came home, we commiserated for a while and then cheered ourselves with the thought that Agency is now going to show our profile more, (we seem to be at the top of the list at last) and "hopes to see us soon" in American City. Then I dislodged a bag of cat treats from a high shelf as I was reaching for them, and they rained down like manna from cat heaven and bounced around the floor while the kitty ran around after them beside herself with pleasure, and we laughed inordinately and gathered them up.

And now I am:
20% See I Knew That Wasn't Our Baby, Our Baby Has Brown Skin*
10% Glum
10% Things Never Work Out For Me
15% Look Around, You Are Sitting in Your Own Studio, You Have So Much - Please, They Really Do
20% Is It Lunchtime Yet
15% I think I'll take the rest of the day off
20% And maybe take in a film

Onward! Thanks for sticking with me, everyone. 

(*Not stating a preference, by the way. This is just how the image forms in my head.)

still no news

Thanks for all the support, folks; you're the nicest, it's a fact. As you may have guessed, there has been NO NEWS. I understand the reluctance on the part of the agency to update us on the birth and the gender of the baby; I do see that there really could be too much information at this stage. The more you know, the more the abstract idea of a baby becomes a particular baby and the more you might become attached - so I trust that while there must be news, it may well be best that we don't know anything until a decision is made. What's the point, really? They'll tell us when it's time. I can't imagine what the Lady is feeling, after all and I don't think it would serve anyone to have a minute by minute update of her state of mind, until a definitive decision is reached. 

So! I have five more mins to blog. Life is ridiculous; I am so BUSY. ("Busty" I typed, ha, the first time, definitely not so, in my case.) It feels to me as if there are more people doing more and more for less, but maybe this is a pessimistic view of things. In any case, I am off to another trade fair type thing, in the north of the country. It is not far, the country is small, but it's so far! Four hours on the bus. How can it be so long? Is the bus on a treadmill?

In other news, we got some more adoption-requirement medicals this week. The poor JB, who is the fittest person in the world, he really is, and has a resting heartbeat of something very good* got himself into such a state that he would screw up the form with his huge blood pressure reading, that yes indeed, he did get a bit of a high one (not sure what exactly, see below). So I ask you once again, as I have so many times: isn't it weird being human? Isn't it though?** We're so screwed if our confidence fails. Confident people, do sail through life, won't you? SO FECKING WEIRD. 

Well! I think I have implored you enough for one session. 
Be well, all. Think of me, won't you, on the bus. Forever and ever. 

[Note to self: go to toilet before embarking.]



*Don't ask me for numbers. I don't know numbers. I know some letters and pictures, but not numbers.
** I thank you for your patience. But it had to be said! SO WEIRD.

Ah, but! turns out the due date was really not accurate and the Lady is to be induced on the 6th. It seems she hasn't been in touch with the agency, (they heard this through the doctor they arranged, I believe) so it's hard to know what her plan is. 

Sending her good thoughts. Do what is right for you, Lady. 


Ug, I've been meaning, I've been meaning. [Insert rambling commentary on how I get so tired of myself and the way I go back and forth between perfectionism and half-arsed-ism, in relation to this blog and, indeed, everything else too.] Same old, same old.

I was away at the weekend. It has been busy. I always say that. It is always so. YAWN, me.
And while with one part of my brain I did know it was the end of August, I still managed to be surprised to see the big kids in their school uniforms, navy and plum, in their squeaky new shoes, walking home from school. It's really September.

Neither do I have any clue what has gone on with The Lady and nor has the agency, as of the last time we were in touch, anyway. (I do trust them to let us know.) The Lady was due on the 22nd August, so presumably she has had the baby, and perhaps has decided not to go forward with her adoption plan? Her choice, after all. I just hope that all is well for them both and her circumstances have changed in a way that makes life easier for her, because it has not been so far, from the little I know. Maybe things have improved somehow for her - this would be wonderful.

You know, I do see it's strange how I am not at all depressed about this. Here's the thing of it: sometimes I get feelings about the future. [Insert lightning and thunder sound effects.] Do you? I just get the feeling that things will work out in a certain way, and they do. This feeling has been missing for oh. So. Long. Years. But now I feel it again; like the old me, I feel becalmed and ready. Maybe it's hope? Or optimism? Blind faith? I don't know, but I feel more like myself than for a long, long time. I feel brave, friends. Me! The ostrich. Maybe all this embracing of my emotions lately has helped, my life has certainly expanded. Maybe I have simply moved on out of the rut. Can it be?

Also, while I am sticking my ostrich neck out, over the parapet, in the interest of having a record and to test if my psychic abilities are in fact hogwash, let me also say that the vision that always leapt unbidden to mind of our child, for oh ten years, was of a little black boy. I can see him now, sitting on our kitchen floor. And the Lady's child is white. So, for what it's worth, eh. Let's see what happens; what will be, will be. 

The JB in the meantime, has gone off to San Francisco, the lucky divil, so I am in solitary mode, lord of the remote control, occupier of the middle of the bed, alone but for the cat (my familiar, you understand) and my psychic visions. 

I hope you're well, all.



What? Where am I? How did I get here?

Apologies for allowing so much time to pass, which it sure did; I fell into a trade fair vortex. There has been no news, as you might well guess. The All New Not Running Away from the Bad Feelings Thing is still in operation and is having some modest success. Also! We had a meeting with the Agency last weekend which was really very reassuring. The agency founder seemed very intelligent, kind and practical. Real, if that's not too Oprah. We watched interviews with birth mothers; it talked about the typical backgrounds they come from and the kind of problems they might have, the support and care they get from the agency, how much time and counselling they take over the adoption plan, and it seems like a good, compassionate organisation. She told us if we keep our paperwork in order (this is a part-time job in itself) she's sure it will work out for us, if not with this Lady, with Another.

Sure, I'd like to know if we'll be jumping on a plane in a week or two, or not, but this is okay, I'm not obsessing. I am fine, notwithstanding the inevitable 3am wake-and-panic. (Why do things seem so bleak at 3am? A universal bio-rhythmic low-point?)

Lads! (sort of local equivalent to "Oh boy") as we say here. I have to go! Again. There will be more to say, there's always more, so talk soon.

Hope you are well.

no news is no news

Just a quick note to say there has been no word yet. Coping strangely well here. What will be, will be. 


(I ask myself if someone's slipped me some Valium.)

It is possible that the Lady will choose us at the last moment, or maybe even after the baby is born, or not at all, and we'll handle whichever of these it is.. is my current state of mind. Who knows what tomorrow might bring? But I've been feeling much less moody, and less avoidant of difficulty. I am trying to embrace what is, as opposed to running away from what is. I'm so tired of being afraid; it takes so much energy.

(According to my blood test results, I was low in B12 again. This time I am determined to continue to supplement as opposed to sort of losing interest after a while and forgetting. Maybe that's helping. A deficiency can cause anxiety, sleeplessness and the famous lemon-tinted complexion. Nice.)

Thanks for the support, everyone. You're really kind.
Till soon,

the wait continues

Thank you for all your lovely comments. It is so comforting to know you are still there, ready with offerings of humour and succour. Thank you, truly.

We are back in Dublin and there has been no word from the agency about the Lady. I don't know what to think about this, although looking at the Lady's profile it is not entirely surprising; it seems she has a tendency to put things off and Heaven knows it can't be easy. In the meantime, it's as if my adrenals have decided to put up a sign on the subject saying "Stress about this later". Which is working reasonably well, oddly enough. We have no power in this situation, as the JB and I were saying earlier; we might as well at least try for a modicum of good grace. 

We'll see how that works out.

The JB is already five steps ahead, sourcing documents we'll need if this time doesn't work. (The US agency requires yearly medicals, police clearances and whatnot). I can't help worrying how he'll take it if it's a no. (Must stop trying to manage his emotions, am being co-dependent. Oh, bleah. Does this working on yourself and your relationships never end? Will I ever learn?)

I have a small mountain of work waiting, but will keep you posted.
I look forward to your posts.
Till later,


Lovely patisserie photos:




Note from Kerry

A note painstakingly typed on Shiny Thing to register that we have not heard from the agency. The Lady, as the JB calls her, has not made a decision, it seems. While this is fair enough of course, the situation is provoking some Feelings. (They're odd, actually, but what else would they be? I Have To Be Different, my mother says.) I am very sleepy and nervous at the same time. I'd really like to know what the immediate future holds, though so I can calm myself with Plans. The JB is enjoying the hopefulness, a thing I'll never understand. (The Lady is due at the end of August.) (Quite soon, really.) We are in Kerry, fixing up JB's house for the imminent arrival of my cousin, husband and aunt. House was full of dust, unopened issues of Time magazine, and stopped clocks. It is now satisfyingly fairly habitable. Good enough, anyway. The JB has gone off on his bike and I have discovered an actual patisserie in town. That's where you'll find me. T


Screwit unto the very ends of the earth, I knew there was a reason for updating more often, otherwise, you don't know where to start. Also such not able articulate to do.

I had the Betty-head a lot in the last few weeks. The usual weird veil over my vision and weird sleep-walking sensations and weird feeling like someone else. For instance, I have no anxiety at all when in Betty mode. Zero. I am unflusterable. Betty is. I am not in my body. Weirdness. So last Wednesday I overcame my deep aversion to doctors long enough to give mine a potted version of this. ("I don't feel myself" being the acceptable version of "I am Betty", in case you wondered; the latter might attract a undesirable diagnosis of Dissociative Personality Disorder or whatnot.) The doctor took some blood for testing for food allergies and iron.

As so often, I felt instantly better. Asking for help is good, it turns out, it opens things up. Doctors don't mock you or tell you you are a moaning minnie; I don't know why I thought they would, mind you.

And then on Sunday morning we got a email from the agency in the US. Would we like to show our profile to a birth mother due end of August along with some other couples? Yes we would. Yes, yes. Yesness. It was a straight-forward decision; the circumstances the birthmother finds herself in are sad, but not otherwise dramatic or complicated.

It's really hard not to let your mind go skittering torturously ahead, it transpires. It's such a uniquely, drastically on/off situation, a thing we are all well acquainted with from TTC days. But one attempts to stay in this here and now. I have a lot of plans for September/October, for instance, which I am  seeing as a good thing.
Road 1: BABY! Plans out of window! Book me on a flight immmmediately!
Road 2: No baby. But nice distracting plans? Yes, those. Oh, okay.

No-one will die either way. It simply means this is not our baby. (Still, though! BABY!)

Oh! The BP explosion of universes has now been canceled until further notice. I am almost disappointed, and yet, on the other hand, OH! HAPPY! DAY! It seems the Non Trembler must now make it his business to scour the United States of America for a house that meet his rather stringent purchasing criteria.

Ah. I've run out of time.  I see I am hitting a not impressive average posting rate of ONE a month, so I will publish.

I hope all is well with everyone. Your status update is always of interest.


I know this theme is dull but it works on all devices. Anything for your convenience, reader!

stuff happens

That huge BPD collision is scheduled for the August Bank Holiday, on which day, keep eyes trained on the relevant horizon, where we might expect a mad puff of smoke to appear. In the meantime, some stuff happened:

  • I meant to follow up: do you remember Meet-up Friend? I did write to her, as you suggested, back in February, but heard no more until she came to our event a couple of weeks ago. She seemed quite well..? Hard to tell of course, and really just functioning at all after such a trauma is itself a fecking walking, talking miracle. People are truly extraordinary, and yet, of course, what choice has she? It was so good to see her surrounded by her friends, working away. I was glad she felt comfortable to be with us. 

  • The JB has failed his driving test. It transpires this centre has a failure rate of 60%, so this was to be expected, though this did not prevent his feeling offended by it. And thus I am condemned to be his practice partner for another few weeks. I hate to whine ( - well, actually, I enjoy the whining, but I prefer to delude myself that I am not a whiner. It's a conundrum.) I mean, I realise I am not going down the mine or anything, It's Not That Bad, but this supervisory stuff brings out the worst most picky, bossy and impatient side of me which I find deeply unflattering. I remind myself (cue thunder and lightning sound effects) of MY FATHER. Of all people! URG. Apparently I also have to admit I am very vain about these things, which is another uncomfortable truth I could have done without uncovering. Bleah. 

  • If he gets his licence next time, it would be excellent. If he doesn't, screw it, I think we should get an automatic. Those things are so wonderfully easy, it's basically a bumper car, as far as I can see.

  • Or we could wait until Google brings out a driverless car. Where is the future, Google? Come on, hand it over.

  • Other than this, I feel sort of scrambled, today, and in general, sort of inept and thick. I can't sleep, can you? If there is the slightest deviation from the regular bed at 11, up at 7 schedule, I am reduced to a quivering wreck.

  • Quivering, I tell you.

  • On the other hand, things aren't so bad. There are sparrow nests in the garden. (Luckily cat is an inept hunter, only catching very few small and ancient or possibly suicidal creatures). Some sweet rocket came out. I glow with pride when I consider I planted it two years ago. How mature of me! See that, deferred pleasure. No need to dwell on the rest of the garden which looks like it's been abandoned some years ago.
  • I babysat the niece and nephew last week. Babysat is the wrong word. I sat with them in the kitchen drawing pictures with my niece while the nephew misspent his youth on minecraft. 


  • And! Our little country isn't so backward after all. We have a lot more work to do, of course, but 62.07% in favour of marriage equality is good. It was a beautiful day; the sun shone, actual rainbows came out as if a sign of approval from the universe, and we were so happy and proud to be us.

Hope you are well, folks. What stuff is happening with you? Stuff, anyone?