Episode 1, last week, in the Torture Chamber
As part of my "recovery", Ms Spangles, my physio, advised me to play ball with my "kids".
Hrmm, where are these kids of whom you speak, Spangly-eyed one?
She's a nice young woman. But what is this assumption that I am marriedwithchildren?
I could be gay/single/part of a harem with children/cats/donkeys/nothing, for all she knows.
I could have fertility issues, Spangles!
It was an opportunity to do a little awareness-raising, in a way. I could have answered with the stunningly obvious:
Not everyone has children, you know!
Or
We haven't been able to have them.
Cue: long pause? toe-curling embarrassment? learning moment?
We'll never know, because I just nodded dumbly. (I was delirious with relief, because I don't have to do back to physio for a month! HURRAY. Then I have to go back to see an Ortho-surgeon, who's going to tell me if I need an operation. But that's A WHOLE MONTH away! and no torture inbetween!)
Episode 2, last night, the doorbell rings.
Goody, I think, pushing myself off the sofa, it's L and/or A, my friends, the sisters, who are fans of the Drop-In.
But no.
It was two clean young men called Elder C*rey and Elder M*ore. They're from the "Knighted States", and want to come in for ten minutes.
Oh, quick, brain, think of a lie. A lie, brain, a lie!
I'm - eh - making the dinner!
Well, we'll have to run with that, brain. Unoriginal but plausible, I suppose.
They press a leaflet into my hands. They're on about The Family. Actually, they are proclaiming to the world some things we've heard before, some fairly obvious things and some things that are, at best, a matter of opinion.
Do I have a family?
Opportunity to stick it to them with a nice, loud, robotic:
No. We have fertility problems.
Except I didn't want to tell them. It's just too personal and sensitive a thing to blurt out like that.
So I went with:
We just got married.
Which was a lie, and a dopey lie, and why do I even care what these people think? Yes, I wanted them to go away and ask our neighbours instead, but really what WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, THAT I CAN'T JUST BE HONEST?
As part of my "recovery", Ms Spangles, my physio, advised me to play ball with my "kids".
Hrmm, where are these kids of whom you speak, Spangly-eyed one?
She's a nice young woman. But what is this assumption that I am marriedwithchildren?
I could be gay/single/part of a harem with children/cats/donkeys/nothing, for all she knows.
I could have fertility issues, Spangles!
It was an opportunity to do a little awareness-raising, in a way. I could have answered with the stunningly obvious:
Not everyone has children, you know!
Or
We haven't been able to have them.
Cue: long pause? toe-curling embarrassment? learning moment?
We'll never know, because I just nodded dumbly. (I was delirious with relief, because I don't have to do back to physio for a month! HURRAY. Then I have to go back to see an Ortho-surgeon, who's going to tell me if I need an operation. But that's A WHOLE MONTH away! and no torture inbetween!)
Episode 2, last night, the doorbell rings.
Goody, I think, pushing myself off the sofa, it's L and/or A, my friends, the sisters, who are fans of the Drop-In.
But no.
It was two clean young men called Elder C*rey and Elder M*ore. They're from the "Knighted States", and want to come in for ten minutes.
Oh, quick, brain, think of a lie. A lie, brain, a lie!
I'm - eh - making the dinner!
Well, we'll have to run with that, brain. Unoriginal but plausible, I suppose.
They press a leaflet into my hands. They're on about The Family. Actually, they are proclaiming to the world some things we've heard before, some fairly obvious things and some things that are, at best, a matter of opinion.
Do I have a family?
Opportunity to stick it to them with a nice, loud, robotic:
No. We have fertility problems.
Except I didn't want to tell them. It's just too personal and sensitive a thing to blurt out like that.
So I went with:
We just got married.
Which was a lie, and a dopey lie, and why do I even care what these people think? Yes, I wanted them to go away and ask our neighbours instead, but really what WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, THAT I CAN'T JUST BE HONEST?
Yeah. Since early childhood, I have been brainwashed to be nice (at the expense of honesty, clearly) and I just can't break out of it.
If anyone has got any good answers to the family question, I'd love to hear them.
Your less-than-frank,
Twangy
Sometimes the thing with questions is not to answer them but stick to comments like "that is a rather personal question" or "I would rather not talk to strangers". Or hey, isn't the perfect Anglo-Saxon answer "that's a long story" ? The good thing is these are all true, no lie required.
Good luck! -also with the play ball.
Posted by: Valery | October 26, 2009 at 08:11 PM
Oh I have some great responses, only I either think of them too late or am too 'nice' to use them. Like "When are you going to have kids?" "Oh shit, I'm sorry Matt, I hope you didn't get the wrong idea but I was planning on having that conversation with my husband before I discuss it with you ... unless you want to be involved?"
Posted by: Womb For Improvement | October 26, 2009 at 09:59 PM
Hah! Like it.
I have to use that. Well, of course, first I'd need a bit of nerve. I might have to answer the door with a stiff whiskey in hand next time, to inhibit the nice-iosity. "Long story" is good, too. Kind of code for "Long story (that I am not going to tell you, Buster)."
Posted by: Twangypearl | October 27, 2009 at 07:41 PM
Did you ever think there would be a drawback to being nice? I actually found it very creepy that the Elder Twins wanted to come inside for 10 minutes. How many people invite them in their house?
Posted by: Mel | October 27, 2009 at 11:48 PM
We had Jehovah's Witnesses like a Saturday morning PLAGUE for a while. My step-mother told one set, 'actually, we're Jewish,' whereapon the cheeky so-and-so said 'oh, we don't mind!' So Step-Mum said 'well, we DO,' (earning the May Award For Quick Thinking) and slammed the door in their faces.
My rather wet responses to the 'have you got kids/ why haven't got kids?' nosiness is to say, if I like them or they're family 'we're working on it.' If I don't like them or don't know them I have said 'Why do you need to know?' or 'That's a very personal question.' Which usually flummoxes them into shutting up about it.
As for people just ASSUMING, well, I always go into Flustered at that point and humiliate myself by babbling something dumb like 'well, we don't have kids, yet! Ha ha ha, not yet, well, anyway, no kids! Ha ha! Nice weather we're having!' and everyone looks at me like I'm a performing stoat.
*sigh*
One day, everyone will have the manners not to ask or assume. That'd be nice.
I've suddenly realised, if I was pestered by God-botherers asking about my family, I'd be ever so tempted to say 'Your God cursed us with barrenness, so we're not on speaking terms with Him.' Just to see how flustered THEY get. But I am a bad evil naughty Jewish Catholic Atheist with issues, so perhaps I am best ignored on this one.
Posted by: May | October 28, 2009 at 07:16 PM
Hah, time to trot out my Lithuanian Jewish great great great grandmother, perhaps? And May, can I just say you're a very *cool* bad evil naughty Jewish Catholic Atheist/performing stoat? My fave.
***
Now you mention it, Mel, true, maybe it IS a bit strange to request 10mins inside a stranger's house, the better to brainwash them. Hmm.
Maybe we can blame the Elders for the decline in traditional Irish hospitality, because once, years ago, when we were still dancing at the crossroads on a Friday night, a great big Kelly's welcome would have to be put before anyone who crossed the threshold.
Otherwise, I dunno, you were deemed UN-nice or something awful like that.
Posted by: Twangypearl | October 28, 2009 at 07:54 PM
I usually just mumble something about how we can't, or that I don't have kids... and they usually assume that I don't yet, especially because I'm "young" and I should "wait awhile, enjoy our time together" and then they tell me how hard it is... like I asked them... but I digress.
To avoid that, I sometimes just tell them that we can't. Then I get stupid comments...
so no matter what kind of answer I give, I suppose I essentially get stupid comments... maybe I should just start saying that it's a personal question and I don't want to answer it... but then they'd probably assume I'm pregnant, or something... (*sigh*)
Sometimes I wonder if it's even possible to have a good answer to that.
Posted by: Another Dreamer | October 31, 2009 at 06:18 AM
It kinda pees me off when people ask me do I have a family when what they are actually asking is do I have children.
I mean, I have a husband, a mother, father, five brothers, one sister, six sisters in law, three brothers in law, thirteen nieces and nine nephews. I they all count as a family. But no, I have no kids of my own. So in those terms, I have no family. Go figure.
Posted by: Jane | October 31, 2009 at 07:38 PM