the things I feel like saying, the things I do say, and the gulf inbetween

Ah, folks, the things I feel like saying, but don't. They are many.

The other day, for instance, I had occasion to ring a woman I hadn't spoken to in 8 or so years; once, around the turn of the millennium,  we were all souprun volunteers for a charity that works with homeless people. After several years (Gah. Quite embarrassing, really) of talking about it, I am hosting a Shindig tomorrow night, wherein we all meet up in my gaff, and talk the ears off each other. I am looking forward to it. They are a great crew.

So. I remind her who I am. She remembers me only because I married a Kerryman, if you ask me, she being from the same place, but anyway. Now I speak to her, and she despatches our common acquaintances right and left with labels marked: MARRIED or THREE CHILDREN or WORKING IN AFRICA or such like, I remember her stunning lack of tact, albeit tempered, as it is, with true kindness. However, we move along through Various Pleasantries, about my co-converser's fantastic grandchildren and children. How people are the thing! And everything is beauuutiful.

Then:
Have you a family?

I feel like saying: Yes. I have my very own Kerryman, my parents, my brother and his children. I have my brilliant friends, and a cat of uncertain temperament.

But I say: No

And she says: Well. That's okay.

I feel like saying: Is it? Is it? How is it? Explain. I'd love to hear how it is that you have arrived at this conclusion. PLEASE, I AM ALL EARS.

But I say nothing.

And then she launches into a Whole Thing about IVF and how it is Great, and how a friend of hers after treatment has three kiddies, and They Are Magic and Can Fly. And really, People are the thing! People!

I feel like saying: No, no. Monkeys are the thing! Monkeys! Trained ones! Also, crisp sandwiches. And I know nothing of this Eye Vee - what was it? - of which you speak. Did you invent it yourself? IT SOUNDS MARVELLOUS. Babies! JUST LIKE THAT. You should get a sainthood.

I say: Hmmm.

Then I guide her deftly off the subject. And hope she doesn't do it again tomorrow night. Or I might have to say something.

Ooh, I feel better now. I love my blog. Big hug, internet!

xx
T

Rude suggestions on what to say to such people very welcome, of course.

Comments

[a]

I love it when I have to SAY SOMETHING. I feel better, and the other person generally feels embarrassed enough to never speak on that topic again. :) But it is tiresome.

Flying children? I want some of those. Very convenient for errands.

[Valery Valentina]

Aahh, the that's okay, immediately negated by the Eye Vee Story.
Reminds me of my aunt the other day who said 'oh that one friend of yours who also bought a child'.
Yep. She did say that. She meant donor egg. She meant well.
Come to think of it:
that might be your perfect answer. Have a family? Well, I intend to buy one!
(but you're waiting for the Sale, because you heard kids are really expensive)

O dear, should I be locked up now?
big hugs
VV

[Andie]

I love your blog too! Big hug, accompanied by very large slice of cake. :)

The people, they really do have the ignorance. Cats are much better. I'm sorry you were subject to that. I do hope said lady is on her best behaviour at your gathering. If she isn't, then I love Valery's suggestion.

Another big hug.

[Womb For Improvement]

Oh yes, EVERYONE knows someone who has had IVF and isn't it easy and really there is no excuse for not getting pregnant. And really, you can hardly see the difference between and artificially inseminated child and a real one...

Say somethings.

Please.

[Dr Spouse]

I always used to say that yes, I have a husband and a brother and etc etc when asked that question. And I'm not sure what I'd say now. But I usually ask new friends or people new to the area/country if they have family here - which can mean anything from, have you brought your wife and kids from Indonesia to, are your grandparents from this part of England.

[anonymous]

I guess my first question is why she assumed you wanted children? I mean, we know you do, of course, but we read your blog! But you have not spoken to this woman in eight years...why did she not assume you were simply a happily married couple that is happily childfree? What was it with the immediate launch into IVF? I'm just curious as to why people always think they know exactly what "no, we don't have children" means....

[May]

My family is ENORMOUS, and rather tiresome. Just, none of them grew in my insides *glares at The Woman* And that's OK, is it? Pfffft. Whether it's OK or not is not for some person we aten't seen for 8 years to patronise us about. Also, harrumph.

IVF being absolutely great when it works, yes, I agree, but I have yet to meet the infertile person who would RATHER do IVF than conceive in their own comfy bed/kitchen table/pub carpark.

Anyhow. How did it go? DId she need something SAYING to her?

[Cathy]

My friend found 'not evryone gets a choice in the matter' delivered with 'tone' helped both when she had no kids and when (after lots of intervention) she had one and the same sort of idiot would ask when she was going to have a brother or sister for G as 'you know how spoilt only children get'

[bunny]

Oh WOMAN. How dreadful of her. I hope she didn't ruin the party with her impertinence. Or that maybe she tried and one of the other lovely people set her straight, and that everyone cheered for your wonderful life, perhaps carrying you around on their shoulders.

[Twangypearl]

Thanks, everyone. You are all very funny and cheering.

So! There was a death in the family during the week, and she couldn't come! No opportunity to SAY SOMETHING, and there I was all ready to. Hrmm. Feels frustrated. Maybe I'll SAY SOMETHING to the busdriver or other random stranger to make myself feel better.

[Bionic]

That's my tack, usually: saying something to a wholly uninvolved, likely innocent person. With any luck, it's not one of my students. But I'm not always lucky.

[conceptionallychallenged]

I'm all for monkeys, especially if they make fewer stupid comments. And I know the frustration of not getting to say anything, once you've figured out your answer...