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May 2006

April 2006

American dreamer

It is richly ironic that marrying JB will give me an American passport (a thing I yearned for for years when I was on a sponsored visa in NJ, that limited me to work only for that boss) when marrying JB also removes the yearning to live in the USA at all. In other words, since those ones weren't very clear: because of JB, I'll have an American passport, but also because of JB I don't need an American passport. Huh. Rich irony.

I used to have elaborate fantasies about living in a gingerbread house in Ocean Grove NJ and working in an animation studio nearby. I'd walk my dog on the boardwalk and love my (faceless, for fantastic) lovely man. Now, there's just a slight vestige of a mist of desire hanging around those ideas. I have swopped that dream for a log cabin (sustainable) and the good life in the country here in Ireland. Not far from my folks, and JB's Dad.

I do like coming here to write my random and interesting-only-and-strictly-to-me thoughts. And no-one notices. I am writing in lovely free obscurity. Nobody's watching! aha, hurray!
I am cartwheeling in the back of the theatre while the audience are concentrating on the play.


I am 38 today. JB gave me a mp3 player this morning and I am celebrating by listening to some rather drony but beautiful film music on it. We went to The Michael Nyman Band concert last year in the National Concert Hall. I was transported by it. It was so stirring and adult, so sad and beautiful. I suddenly understood, like never before, how those things go together in music. Ah beauty beauty.
I am a bit conscious of how I am so easily suggested by music and this might lead to embarrassment in public places of the swaying, demented humming and distant rapturous gazing kind. Must be stiff, retain dignity and unyeilding and not give away rich inner experience.
Tomorrow my friend from Spain, ML, that I have known for a long time, since my flirtation with corporate life, is coming to visit. It's always so good to see her, she has a instantly easy way about her.

book on marriage

We found the book. It's a bit earnest. I hope I can control the urge to make fun of it.
JB said he saw a book that conveniently combined the topics of Marriage and Divorce. Isn't that a thing?
But the one we got is called Terms of Engagement. Good eh? witty! So far we have skimmed and waded through the first chapter. About expectations. You have to agree or disagree, strongly or not, with the statements which read something like: I expect to see our families regularly.
Sensible, don't you think? I can imagine that a lot of people (possibly the flighty young type, as opposed to the nospringchickens as below) get married while blithely imagining their partner to be in agreement with them on these important issues. Or, more scary, I can imagine that you could hope that with enough love, everything will be work out. But we love each other! Ah! so that'll fix the fact that one of you wants to raise the 5 kids as goats while the other can't stand either kind of kids.
We are verrry pleased with ourselves I can tell you. No doubt we'll be humbled forthwith.

a proposal of a proposal

JB, my charming Kerryman and partner have recently, after much hypothesizing (so how do you hypothetically
feel about marriage? and if in agreement with the abovementioned hypothesis, would you in that conditional sense, marry another person
where that person is say, me?) agreed that marriage is a good and desirable state of affairs for us. We feel we are ready. We are no
spring chickens! (specially me) and it seems like the most natural and right thing to do.

Sensibly, we think, but this might be a case of mutual validation, we looked for a guide on how to do this. Not the wedding, which will be
the lowest key affair in the history of the universe, but the actual marriage bit. Since, you know, the wedding is a day, whereas the
marriage bit is intended to last rather longer. You wouldn't believe the difficulty there is finding such a guide. Shelves groan under the
weight of Wedding guides, Irish Bride, Bridezilla, Red-haired bride with freckles, Modern Bride, Gay Bride, Canine Bride, Sporty Bride.
There are books about Wedding protocol and etiquette, books on saving marriages and making your family functional, but scarce a one on
building the marriage to begin with. I am thinking how to organise finances, divide household tasks, talk about the having of children.
And other mysterious things which I don't know because there is no such book.