Terrier Major
Birthday card 07

an equation

e makes a big proposal for the Fairly Worthy Theatre Company's website for an alarming amount of money with L today, then, to analyse feelings about this:

where the premise is: e is afraid the Fairly Worthies are going to ring me and exclaim loudly  about the price we are giving.

and this makes me nervous because:
a. I am approval seeking and afraid of confrontation

Oh look there was no b.

I feel I'll have to make a good job of the site (if proposal is accepted) and this alarms me because:
a. I don't have enough confidence in my abilities

b. I don't really want the job, because to get the job would mean - Oh Law! - so much listening to the nit-picking at which the Fairly Worthies excel.

c. I have a rice pudding instead of a brain

or a + b
which = c where a = worry about getting an email from them.
and where c = anxiety

in conclusion, must remember: d + e + f + g
d. We actually can do the job
e. it's actually not THAT much money
f. I can not answer the phone
g. We are not actually willing to do it for less, since it would take months of work - and divided between the team it's less than most people get paid for flipping burgers. Well, not flipping burgers maybe, but bank telling, say.

I think maybe a combo of events are meanwhile pushing the e's anxiety levels up.

For instance..? I hear a robot chorus ask.
Oh! I wouldn't dream of boring you with that!
Well, since you insist so very insistently, I'll tell you:

House thing. Architects, building project managers, ammassing amounts of confusing information.

Also, today is the birthday of my friend in London, N, who I have known for over 10 years. We worked together in MacImaging Software in the 90's. She hasn't been in touch for months, which makes me anxious because last I heard she was pregnant. And I worry about such things. I have known so many pregnancies that went wrong in all kinds of horrible ways. And that brings me neatly to the new awareness of my own fear of my own pregnancy.
Maybe I am not getting The Time because I am afraid of it. I have gone into a Timeless no man's land.. I really can't put off the doctor anymore. Tomorrow.

(I sent N an email and I hope that I am just being overwrought, and she is actually all wonderfully healthy and blooming and just not checking email.)

I made this card for the birthdays this year: 

not everyone understands it


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