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April 2007
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June 2007

May 2007

nothing to worry about as such

The doctor was woman in her thirties with a nice calm face. She was precise and considerate to the point of teetering on a caricature of a precise and considerate doctor. Showed a great fondness of expressions like "as such".
So nothing to worry about, unless the state of nothingness continues for 3 months - she said the cycle is highly sensitive to stress, physical or emotional. And I suppose I have been a bit of that, although really to ask me if I am stressed is to ask a porcupine if he's feeling spikey at all.
I am happy though, she couldn't have been nicer, at all, as such.

Birthday card 07

coming your way this year. Meaning is lost on some. Maybe I should spell it out: as in - of the tail! of the tail!

an equation

e makes a big proposal for the Fairly Worthy Theatre Company's website for an alarming amount of money with L today, then, to analyse feelings about this:

where the premise is: e is afraid the Fairly Worthies are going to ring me and exclaim loudly  about the price we are giving.

and this makes me nervous because:
a. I am approval seeking and afraid of confrontation

Oh look there was no b.

I feel I'll have to make a good job of the site (if proposal is accepted) and this alarms me because:
a. I don't have enough confidence in my abilities

b. I don't really want the job, because to get the job would mean - Oh Law! - so much listening to the nit-picking at which the Fairly Worthies excel.

c. I have a rice pudding instead of a brain

or a + b
which = c where a = worry about getting an email from them.
and where c = anxiety

in conclusion, must remember: d + e + f + g
d. We actually can do the job
e. it's actually not THAT much money
f. I can not answer the phone
g. We are not actually willing to do it for less, since it would take months of work - and divided between the team it's less than most people get paid for flipping burgers. Well, not flipping burgers maybe, but bank telling, say.

I think maybe a combo of events are meanwhile pushing the e's anxiety levels up.

For instance..? I hear a robot chorus ask.
Oh! I wouldn't dream of boring you with that!
Well, since you insist so very insistently, I'll tell you:

House thing. Architects, building project managers, ammassing amounts of confusing information.

Also, today is the birthday of my friend in London, N, who I have known for over 10 years. We worked together in MacImaging Software in the 90's. She hasn't been in touch for months, which makes me anxious because last I heard she was pregnant. And I worry about such things. I have known so many pregnancies that went wrong in all kinds of horrible ways. And that brings me neatly to the new awareness of my own fear of my own pregnancy.
Maybe I am not getting The Time because I am afraid of it. I have gone into a Timeless no man's land.. I really can't put off the doctor anymore. Tomorrow.

(I sent N an email and I hope that I am just being overwrought, and she is actually all wonderfully healthy and blooming and just not checking email.)

I made this card for the birthdays this year: 

not everyone understands it

no 6

oh yay! we got our keys at last. Had fun yesterday looking around and having fantasies about wet rooms and dining tables. In addition to our little house and garden we have a treasure trove of objects to play with: a dishwasher, a washing machine, a flymo and a lot of old paint tins and boxes of mystery things.

Our house is lovely.

Mrs H*gan I presume

Just cycled back through bluster and unseasonable cold from L’s house where I have been looking after her 2 terriers. They are sweet little things when curled up asleep:

but Lor! that isn’t very often and the rest of the time they are so extremely busy, play-fighting, and play-growling and rushing about pulling your arms out on a walk. It’s like they live on speeded up time. They're on Terrier Time.

I was rather out of sorts. I was on Nauseated Sloth Time. My ear was blocked and my sinuses shot, and my Time is not yet with us, and I thus was demoralised so was happy to sit on the comfortable sofa and watch hours of Will and Grace and American Idol as well as – yes – both entire omnibus editions of Home and Away. (My poison of choice. I confess it freely, bots. Of course you are robots and not a priest, which makes it easier).

At one point I had the brilliant idea of going to the new house to clear out the old post and put it in the recycling. And so it was. Except when I was there, I left the back doors open and the wind! it blew through! and slammed shut the rubbishy flimsy porch door which is normally very hard to shut at all. Who could have forseen such a thing!

I had one of those NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo! moments, while my thoughts flailed like dying fish and a voice in my head robotically intoned: This is a disaster. Now what are you going to do?

I thought quickly. On my feet! as it were! And went to the neighbour’s house proposing to jump over the low wall between our gardens at the back. Of course at this point they had no idea of the half-wit that is their new neighbour. I introduce myself and as it happens don’t even have to be charming, since they themselves are so charming. (it was as if the Charm Quota for the few square metres around them was already fulfilled. There could be no more charm. All excess charm was simply dissolved, vaporised, and neutralised.)

Larry asked me if I could climb and brought me through to his wife (Actually, now I think of it, I am presuming this wifely role. For all I know, she is a live-in wild animal handler), who shook my hand most sincerely (a long long shake, I noticed. I had to extricate myself gently in the end, bots. I could hold hands no more. I was stared down in the shake, know what I mean?). I managed to leap over the wall to cries of “Well, you’re young! It would have taken me hours to get over that!” and they offered any other help we might need.

And for the final proof that, yes, the new neighbour was definitely a half-wit, I told them my surname was: J*nkinson, but my husband’s name is H*gan, we’re not married that long! Ha ha! (inane, ingratiating laughter).

So that’ll be Hog*n then, said Nuala.

(Illustrations to follow)

25 saddest songs

as in here

I re-falling in love with Space Oddity. It reminds me of my youf, the Rebellion Years - when I was a bit of a Teenage Oddity myself.
Ah, Nicky and Antony, Cathy, Sarah and 3 ponies, excruciating shyness, second year in secondary school and teenage bravado. Must bore you with that later, Bots - hold your mechanical breaths.

BTW bots, the pregnancy drama continues,  since Dr Google informs me (reliably I am sure) that those home pregnancy tests are 99% accurate where the hormone appears in the urine. Apparently this doesn't happen on the first day of a missed menstruation in all women since the zygote might not implant right away. Hurrrr. Can you see, Bots, how this would lead to anxiety and doubt in a wu-man who is late and getting later? On the other hand, what will be, will be. Kay-serrah, kay-serrah.
Sproggy will be most welcome.

Will test in another couple of days.

Doodoo doo dodododo, (btw, where is huz-band?) Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do... do dododoododododoo...

Spike made Smokey some CAKE! yesterday. It made him tired.

e's brother:

Smokey looks pretty rough doesn't he. He looks like the illustration of the horse you shouldn't buy.