delirious

My mind is playing a demented game of ping-pong, back and forth between terror and joy. Something happened that I thought I would never see:
[There have been three of these so far. Three convinced me.]

Complete TERROR and UTTER delight. This could be the best thing that ever happened to me, or the saddest. I have crossed the invisible line, an abstract longing has become a specific one, and no matter what happens (at my age the risk of miscarriage is something like 50% - [holy crap]) I'll never be quite the same again.

It is so strange to think that only two weeks ago, we decided, by a tiny sliver, not to go for IVF. Our appointment would have been on Monday the 18th. One of the reasons we cancelled was for this reason: the printouts from the fertility clinic underlined (and italicised) the need to abstain from sex for the month before the appointment, because on no account should the trial catheter be performed on a pregnant woman. On the day of that appointment, the egg must have already been fertilised. If we'd read the instructions, in timely fashion, like well-organised adults, we would have abstained, and we might been doing IVF now.

Isn't that odd? (Apart from being an incentive to be slapdash, I mean).

It's tempting to look for some kind of narrative meaning in all of this. But I have read too many heart-breaking stories on my friends' blogs, to take comfort in that, or in the idea that this was "meant". Because why for me, and not for them? They want this as much as me. They deserve it just as much.  I can't slide into any platitudes about how we'll all get there. What do I know? I can only hope.

And naturally I am far too fearful to see any hand of fate in this event. That could so easily convert itself into a boomerang which would circle around and clip me on the back of the head, painfully.

So I tread this line, between joy and fear, trying my best to stay in the present and let myself be happy.

T xx

ps. WFI, thank you for believing in me. I'm so glad I had my vita-bionics to take.

pps. I feel queasy. That's good, isn't it?

ppps. The Blearclue site at work = not a good idea. A tanned actress on it talks at you in a loud voice about how exciting it is to try to conceive. Oh, I could tell you stories, lady. 

Comments

[Hairy Farmer Family]

OH MY GOD!!! I'm speechless!
But thoroughly and completely delighted; that's simply wonderful, wonderful news.

Goshcorblimey!

*glares into the distance, forbidding any boomerangs to even THINK about returning*

[Valery]

yes! no! maybe! OMG!!! 50%, that is equal parts terror and joy! OMG omg. Keep those sticks somewhere safe. (it is the only tangible reminder I have...) But please, try and enjoy it for more than the single afternoon that I did. My heart is crazy, my fingers are tingling, I'm trying not to crush you with my excitement. Oh, now I remember what one should say: Congratulations!

[Womb For Improvement]

Fuck. Wow. Shit.

Not going to get too excited yet, but, well ...

(And you are right there is no narrative, no why me not them. It just either is or isn't. And in your case I am delighted it 'is').

Keep popping the pills.

[bunny]

YOU'RE PREGNANT! YOU'RE PREGNANT! Okay, I totally understand why you can't give in to joy and are hoping for the best while preparing for the worst. And the bit about you being changed forever = copious tears. But I feel like the clouds have parted and a beam of God Light is shining down upon you. And while it's not about "deserving" you do deserve it! You're awesome! My hopes and atheistic prayers will be with you.

[PaleMother]

O. M. G.!!

Your post was at the top of my Blogger reader this morning. I dithered around it because I tend to save the bloggers I like to read most for last. Little did I know you were here waiting to make my day in a big way. Holy bleep, Twangy!! That's bleeping great news!!

I was probably in the same miscarriage risk category as you. I found this sort of comforting for its logic:

(From Dr. Liacciardi, an NYU RE ... his blog doesn't allow you to link by post, so here's the blurb):

You Can't Have a Baby Unless You are Pregnant

Now what's he talking about? I'm talking about all the worry that overcomes people get when they get pregnant after a long bout with infertility. It's natural to worry, and sometimes it's hard not to be overly concerned about every little thing. If possible, try not to drive yourself crazy. What will happen will happen, you can't control it. For most people, then chance of a baby is about 80% after a positive pregnancy test and about 90 % once there is a heartbeat. These are a little worse if you are older, but not much. For some of you the odds of getting pregnant in the first place are a lot lower. So if you get pregnant, go with it. The odds are in your favor.

(I highly recommend his blog, BTW)

http://infertilityblog.blogspot.com/

******

"If we'd read the instructions, in timely fashion, like well-organised adults, we would have abstained, and we might been doing IVF now."

Ah, what a tangled web of head-bleep is all of this. I just shake my head.

Well done. :)

Okay. Breathe.

If you like meditation, I can recommend some CD titles (that can be downloaded) to help get you through the waiting.

XXOO

[Lawyerish]

Oh, how wonderful and thrilling and mind-blowing to see that plus sign!!

I am so, so ecstatic for you, and I am sending you all the best thoughts and prayers for that little nubbin to stick around for the duration.

[Twangypearl]

Thank you all. There could be no kinder, more intelligent and funnier people in the world, ever, and it means so much to know you are there no matter what.
---
Ah..
---
Thank you, PaleMother, for the very helpful information. Meditation is a great idea, thanks for the reminder (was a NY resolution). Must email you about those titles.

[a]

OMG, indeed! Cautious optimism, that's the key.

BTW, I keep the speakers on my computer on mute at all times - too many times have I clicked on the wrong button and landed in a blast zone. I would have hated to find myself broadcasting the very loud woman!

[Lorin]

YAY! That's wonderful! I mean, um, how nice for you, Twangy. Yes, quite nice. (Very cautious optimism.)

And that's the happiest/funniest preg test I've seen.

[May]

Oh my God! Oh my God, Twangy, oh my God oh my God oh my God!

If this were face-to-face, now would be the time to run away, because I would SO be giving you a weepy, prolonged and rib-cracking hug if you didn't.

[Twangypearl]

Thank you both.

Mind out, I might crack your ribs first May!
You're a sweetheart to be so happy for me.
xx

[Elizabeth]

just came over from the LFCA because charmed by your web name - and so happy for you right now.

[Jem]

That's such happy news. I have a friend who also got PG the month before she was scheduled for IVF. This happened twice! It was a good thing, because she is terrified of needles.

I wish you all the best. Can't wait to hear about your doubling betas next!

LFCA

[QoB]

oh wow, I'm behind!

congratulations doesn't quite cut it but ... yay:)