[There have been three of these so far. Three convinced me.]
Complete TERROR and UTTER delight. This could be the best thing that ever happened to me, or the saddest. I have crossed the invisible line, an abstract longing has become a specific one, and no matter what happens (at my age the risk of miscarriage is something like 50% - [holy crap]) I'll never be quite the same again.
It is so strange to think that only two weeks ago, we decided, by a tiny sliver, not to go for IVF. Our appointment would have been on Monday the 18th. One of the reasons we cancelled was for this reason: the printouts from the fertility clinic underlined (and italicised) the need to abstain from sex for the month before the appointment, because on no account should the trial catheter be performed on a pregnant woman. On the day of that appointment, the egg must have already been fertilised. If we'd read the instructions, in timely fashion, like well-organised adults, we would have abstained, and we might been doing IVF now.
Isn't that odd? (Apart from being an incentive to be slapdash, I mean).
It's tempting to look for some kind of narrative meaning in all of this. But I have read too many heart-breaking stories on my friends' blogs, to take comfort in that, or in the idea that this was "meant". Because why for me, and not for them? They want this as much as me. They deserve it just as much. I can't slide into any platitudes about how we'll all get there. What do I know? I can only hope.
And naturally I am far too fearful to see any hand of fate in this event. That could so easily convert itself into a boomerang which would circle around and clip me on the back of the head, painfully.
So I tread this line, between joy and fear, trying my best to stay in the present and let myself be happy.
ps. WFI, thank you for believing in me. I'm so glad I had my vita-bionics to take.
pps. I feel queasy. That's good, isn't it?
ppps. The Blearclue site at work = not a good idea. A tanned actress on it talks at you in a loud voice about how exciting it is to try to conceive. Oh, I could tell you stories, lady.