work and rest

things: not exactly as they should be

I really hope it's true it's always darkest before dawn because that kind of bloody-minded reverse optimism is all I have left. Well, that and an oddball sense of humour. And tremendous enthusiam for gourmet crisps and large animals.

Also small, furry ones. And coffee.

But I am worried. I have things to get off my chest, and that is what a blog is for. Here we go.

Worry One:
Having been the one for ooh, all my life to be all responsible and ready to approach The Authorities and Ask For Help, like a middle-class person, not to mention feeling compelled to be the cheerleader of basically Everything, and Believer in The Happy Ending, I have utterly lost faith in The Adoption Authority.  Oh, I feel such a fool, apart from anything. Since their meeting with the Indian authorities in May, NOTHING has happened. I know they are understaffed but I cannot conceive of the foot-dragging that is going on. The JB and I went to a very depressing meeting with our cohort who speculated a year might yet pass,  to set up the working agreements with India. A year. Just to get going? To get on a working list? After which people could quite easily expect another two for the Indian part of the adoption to happen - I mean, the  matching, the Notice of Court and so on. Legal stuff, which probably can't be expedited. It was utterly crushing to sit around with these decent (One presuuuumes. They could have corpses buried under their patios, I suppose.) hard-working folk, who may well actually age out of the system before they can effect an adoption (the maximum combined age for India is 90), complaining so bitterly about the lack of good will, the apparent deliberate obstructiveness of the Authority, the disappointment, the resignation, the feeling of being cheated. All the while children stuck in orphanages when people who are so ready and so able to care for them are left waiting.

All this did not make for a happy evening. Of course. And of course, the JB and I had an argument walking back to the tram stop. I really started thinking he'd be better off with someone else. It doesn't even seem the worst outcome anymore. I'd be okay, I'd get obsessed by comics (more obsessed, I mean) or foster injured hedgehogs or something, find some mission for myself, and he'd go off to the US and find himself a nice, fertile American to have 3.5 children with. Sure, they'd grow up saying mere instead of mirror, draw instead of drawer, and forget the word aluminium has more than one "i". :-) But still! They'd be grand.

Does that sound so bad?
Answer: no. (In case you were in any doubt).

Related: Worry Two:
What is this doing to my marriage? Heaven knows, many of you know how painful it is not to be able to give your spouse what he wants so badly. Since the traumatic walk of doom to the tram stop, we have patched things up. We patch well, at this point. He tells me he wants to be parents only with me and will see it through. We're okay. We really, really love each other.

Adoption was always my answer but it's failed me. All my assurances that this would work, this was our plan, feel so simple-minded now. The uncertainty itself is the killer. I mean, if we knew it'd be 4 years, we could plan accordingly. We'd know, at least. It might well be. Or Florida might open and it might be 1. Who knows?  There's no alternative. (DE and surrogancy are wonderful options that aren't for me. Too old for IVF. Blah, blah.) We could go to the USA (he has a passport, you may remember) to live and adopt there, but I can't leave my parents.

Which brings me to Worry Three:
My parents are slowing down alarmingly - my father, as you may remember, suffered a stroke 3 years ago, my mother is increasingly and painfully affected by arthritis. It is so hard to see them so diminished. It is so hard to witness the decline. It's so hard to know it will only get worse.

Also. This haircut makes me look like an orange Cocker Spaniel.

Do you know, I do feel better now. Thank you!
I feel.. more optimistic. Oh crap?

Apparently it really is my nature.



I blame the haircut for compounding the feelings of darkness. But it also sounds like legitimately dark stuff. The part about all those children waiting...well, it hardly permits thinking about, so I can only imagine how heart-rending it is to be a part of it. I want there to be something you can DO. But as you say, there isn't. I can certainly see how worry 2 would continue to rear its head. It's a testament to your love for him that you keep checking in to see if he'd rather leave you now. How

As for 3, yes, uggh. I've probably said this before at some point, but I STILL have conversations with my father wherein I try to convince him to come live with me, and I still think through options for his care, now three years after his death. Because it occupied so much brain space that my brain has not yet been able to fill it with other things. It's HARD. And heaven knows how hard it is for THEM. I guess all we can do is imagine what we will want when we are old and somebody, hopefully our children in both our cases, is worrying about us.

Oh, and these notional American children would only say "draw" if they're from the South. Please.


I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to have held in suspended animation for you.

Crossing fingers that some miracle occurs and things move forward more swiftly.

BTW, I love Irish accents. If you would like to teach my American children to speak like you, come on over!


Oh dear Twangy, I bring hugs and cake. Lots of cake. Cake makes everything better.

1. This is horrible. It is one of the reasons we did not pursue the adoption, because it is so incredibly frustrating and hard, and even more impossible from Australia. Even though I would gladly and willingly housed all those children needing homes in preference to biology. I really do understand the hopelessness that you feel faced with this, and also the horrid feeling of not being able to give your spouse the child. It is sad. Here, more cake. I wonder with the JB being American, or at least with the American passport, can is it possible to use an agency there?

2. Patching is good. Love is good. The JB loves you. This has to be as frustrating for him as it is for you. We forget the menfolk, sometimes, I think.

3. Well I think Bunny has pretty much summed it up. It is HARD to watch your parents decline. It is very sad. But you can be there with them, to care for them, and that is a blessing.

Thinking of you and hoping these worries pass soon.



I don't know what kind of Americans you've met, but I recognize that mirror has 2 syllables, and pronounce drawer as something like drooorr. And here, aluminum does not have an extra i. I don't know from whence that came.

Waiting sucks. Waiting with no idea of where the end is sucks even worse. Is there a possibility of change? Can you sign up for multiple locations?

I have no worries about you and the JB - you've come this far down the road and that's a lot of hard work.

Aging parents - all of my family is old, so I've been watching this happen for years. It is hard to watch. I wish there were an easier way. Actually, the Irish part of my family lingers on and on...the Polish part of my family tends to suddenly keel over. I prefer that method.

Much luck - I hope that you and the JB can realize your dreams of becoming parents sooner rather than at some unnamed point in the future.

Valery Valentina

So so sorry to hear that the waiting seems interminable. I've only spent 19 days in India when I was 26ish, and anything to do with organisation/administration/timetables seemed overwhelming.

In the past years I've often thought (you know, getting lost in that alternate universe, where things are different) that if I couldn't carry my own child, I could at least carry some for my cyberfriends. Then I'd be *doing* something.

Keep some of that cake that Andie is serving, I'll join you...

Womb For Improvement

Anne had it right when she refereed to your state as suspended animation. It is incredibly frustrating.

This is a genuine question rather than a suggestion. But, are you able to pursue adoption with more than one agency at any one time so that you aren't reliant on just one place sorting through the bureaucracy? Or is that to complication, frowned upon, down right illegal?


Oh, Twangy. So sorry. Argh. I am horrified at the behaviour of The Authority. It makes me feel quite weepy.

Related Worry Two - alas, alas, I too have said to my husband, 'why don't you just leave me and marry someone else, with FUNCTIONAL parts, and have babies and be happy?' And H said he'd rather have no babies and me than babies and no me and I cried hysterically and, yes, patchwork quilts are the best.

As for the Aging of Parents, I hug you. Last year my mother freaked me the hell out by being Seriously Unwell, and my father had a minor heartattack, and I had a total 'OMG they're getting OLD and I'm a GROWN-UP melt-down'. So. Empathy. I shake your hand.

I like Cocker Spaniels. My own haircut makes me look like a muddy Leicester Longwool Sheep. I'm not sure I wouldn't prefer to look like a Cocker Spaniel.

Bionic Baby Mama

Bunny is right about everything except draw and mere, which are northeastern -- specifically Connecticut and its relatives. As a southern girl at a northeastern college, I had much fun with those words in discussions with locals claiming to be accent-less. (Southerners leave g's off of -ing words and tend to soften r's, but they don't lose the syllable in its entirety. Thus, drawer might be draw-ah and mirror might be mirr-ah (with very soft, airy final syllables, not thumpy, New York ones), but never draw and mere.

There. That WAS the most important part of your post, right?


I am so sorry about the bitter laugh that accompanies the "just" in "just adopt," when spoken by those who know its falseness. I had hoped things were better there than here, but it sounds like not.

JB would be a fool to prefer any of that to you, you silly carrot, and I suspect you wouldn't have him if he weren't the kind of fellow wise enough to know that.

Finally, there is nothing so damaging to the soul as a terrible haircut. I bet yours isn't so bad, but at least that's more easily fixed than the rest, yes? Anyway, it could be worse. We Americans literally ALL look like this in the morning:


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