Ooof. I wish I never invited Aunt and cousin to Kerry, now. I say to my mother, one Sunday. I know with my rational mind that it will be fine, but at 4am I am assailed by dire doubts.
Last year, in a restaurant, filled with bonhomie and excitement, I unwisely told my (lovely) cousin from London that she and her husband, the genius, were always welcome to spend a few days in the JB's family home in Remote Kerry. It is very majestic and beautiful there, I said. And it might not rain the whole time! I declared.
In January I get a fb message to say they'd take up the invitation. Oh, well, great. I thought. We'll go down beforehand and dust and fix frantically (house has been unoccupied for years now), Lovely Cousin and Genius Husband will like it, I think determinedly. They'll have a nice, quiet time. They can read! Have a rest! Go to the beach! This is what someone who lives in Central London actually needs. It'll be fine! I read on: The plan is to bring Mum and Dog and come in the car.
Oh. The aunt. The person who inspires me to make infuriated searches for Borderline Personality Disorder whenever she visits. Still! That's okay. There won't be room for us to visit too, but this is fine. The JB is quite nervous of dogs, anyway, and Dog is a over-protective rescue who makes runs at people. Fine, fine.
The JB is persuaded to run this plan by his brother, the Non-Trembler (ultra-touchy resident of Boston, remember him? The only OTHER person in the world who ALSO inspires in me BPD related googling (the one that threw out the fridge and ranted like a madman at the JB on the phone, then cut him off for a year) out of politeness. Might possibly BPD Non-Trembler be in Ireland at that time, surely not?
YES, actually he does have plans to come home at that time but after the "state the house was left in the last time", he wouldn't risk it. (OUTRAGE. The JB spent ages cleaning and painting! Weeks! There was however some mould in the fridge. So he threw. It. Out.) He'll stay in a hotel in town, or with a friend. The JB can lend the house to whomever. Non-Trembler will not be staying there.
Now I lie awake at 4am with lurid scenarios running through my head. Frosty meetings on the doorstep of the house! The BPD Aunt's dog biting the BPD Non-Trembler in a global BPD collision outside the local shop! BPD Non-Trembler barges in on BPD Aunt while in the bathroom!
And from there a mere step or two to THE END OF CIVILISATION, IN WHICH WE ALL DIE OF THIRST.
I don't know whether to be amused or terrified. Oh fer feck's sake, it's just too perfect.
Ah, I feel better. Thanks for the therapy, internet. Maybe I can make a comic about it.
How are you?