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August 2015
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October 2015

September 2015

finally news

The Lady has chosen another couple. I am informed she liked our profile a lot, but was "unable" to choose us. (?) Heaven help her, it can't be easy.

I did have a bit of a cry last evening when I got the email, a deliberate attempt to process The Feelings head-on. I lay there clutching the kitty as she purred steadily in my arms, the little dear. And when the JB came home, we commiserated for a while and then cheered ourselves with the thought that Agency is now going to show our profile more, (we seem to be at the top of the list at last) and "hopes to see us soon" in American City. Then I dislodged a bag of cat treats from a high shelf as I was reaching for them, and they rained down like manna from cat heaven and bounced around the floor while the kitty ran around after them beside herself with pleasure, and we laughed inordinately and gathered them up.

And now I am:
20% See I Knew That Wasn't Our Baby, Our Baby Has Brown Skin*
10% Glum
10% Things Never Work Out For Me
15% Look Around, You Are Sitting in Your Own Studio, You Have So Much - Please, They Really Do
20% Is It Lunchtime Yet
15% I think I'll take the rest of the day off
20% And maybe take in a film

Onward! Thanks for sticking with me, everyone. 

(*Not stating a preference, by the way. This is just how the image forms in my head.)

still no news

Thanks for all the support, folks; you're the nicest, it's a fact. As you may have guessed, there has been NO NEWS. I understand the reluctance on the part of the agency to update us on the birth and the gender of the baby; I do see that there really could be too much information at this stage. The more you know, the more the abstract idea of a baby becomes a particular baby and the more you might become attached - so I trust that while there must be news, it may well be best that we don't know anything until a decision is made. What's the point, really? They'll tell us when it's time. I can't imagine what the Lady is feeling, after all and I don't think it would serve anyone to have a minute by minute update of her state of mind, until a definitive decision is reached. 

So! I have five more mins to blog. Life is ridiculous; I am so BUSY. ("Busty" I typed, ha, the first time, definitely not so, in my case.) It feels to me as if there are more people doing more and more for less, but maybe this is a pessimistic view of things. In any case, I am off to another trade fair type thing, in the north of the country. It is not far, the country is small, but it's so far! Four hours on the bus. How can it be so long? Is the bus on a treadmill?

In other news, we got some more adoption-requirement medicals this week. The poor JB, who is the fittest person in the world, he really is, and has a resting heartbeat of something very good* got himself into such a state that he would screw up the form with his huge blood pressure reading, that yes indeed, he did get a bit of a high one (not sure what exactly, see below). So I ask you once again, as I have so many times: isn't it weird being human? Isn't it though?** We're so screwed if our confidence fails. Confident people, do sail through life, won't you? SO FECKING WEIRD. 

Well! I think I have implored you enough for one session. 
Be well, all. Think of me, won't you, on the bus. Forever and ever. 

[Note to self: go to toilet before embarking.]



*Don't ask me for numbers. I don't know numbers. I know some letters and pictures, but not numbers.
** I thank you for your patience. But it had to be said! SO WEIRD.

Ah, but! turns out the due date was really not accurate and the Lady is to be induced on the 6th. It seems she hasn't been in touch with the agency, (they heard this through the doctor they arranged, I believe) so it's hard to know what her plan is. 

Sending her good thoughts. Do what is right for you, Lady. 


Ug, I've been meaning, I've been meaning. [Insert rambling commentary on how I get so tired of myself and the way I go back and forth between perfectionism and half-arsed-ism, in relation to this blog and, indeed, everything else too.] Same old, same old.

I was away at the weekend. It has been busy. I always say that. It is always so. YAWN, me.
And while with one part of my brain I did know it was the end of August, I still managed to be surprised to see the big kids in their school uniforms, navy and plum, in their squeaky new shoes, walking home from school. It's really September.

Neither do I have any clue what has gone on with The Lady and nor has the agency, as of the last time we were in touch, anyway. (I do trust them to let us know.) The Lady was due on the 22nd August, so presumably she has had the baby, and perhaps has decided not to go forward with her adoption plan? Her choice, after all. I just hope that all is well for them both and her circumstances have changed in a way that makes life easier for her, because it has not been so far, from the little I know. Maybe things have improved somehow for her - this would be wonderful.

You know, I do see it's strange how I am not at all depressed about this. Here's the thing of it: sometimes I get feelings about the future. [Insert lightning and thunder sound effects.] Do you? I just get the feeling that things will work out in a certain way, and they do. This feeling has been missing for oh. So. Long. Years. But now I feel it again; like the old me, I feel becalmed and ready. Maybe it's hope? Or optimism? Blind faith? I don't know, but I feel more like myself than for a long, long time. I feel brave, friends. Me! The ostrich. Maybe all this embracing of my emotions lately has helped, my life has certainly expanded. Maybe I have simply moved on out of the rut. Can it be?

Also, while I am sticking my ostrich neck out, over the parapet, in the interest of having a record and to test if my psychic abilities are in fact hogwash, let me also say that the vision that always leapt unbidden to mind of our child, for oh ten years, was of a little black boy. I can see him now, sitting on our kitchen floor. And the Lady's child is white. So, for what it's worth, eh. Let's see what happens; what will be, will be. 

The JB in the meantime, has gone off to San Francisco, the lucky divil, so I am in solitary mode, lord of the remote control, occupier of the middle of the bed, alone but for the cat (my familiar, you understand) and my psychic visions. 

I hope you're well, all.